Why couples should flirt with each other every day — plus the ‘red flag’ to avoid

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Flirting may do more than sparkromantic interest— experts say it can also benefit emotional well-being, as long as it stays within appropriate boundaries.

Mindy DeSeta, Ph.D., aclinical sexologistand mental health counselor in Miami, Florida, defined flirting as a “one-on-one interpersonal experience,” delivering a message that someone is interested in learning more about another person.

Flirting in general “feels good,�

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Flirting may activate brain chemicals involved in pleasure, reward and social bonding, DeSeta said.It can also lower the stress hormone cortisol.

“It builds confidence, it’s a positive social interaction that improves self-esteem,” she went on.“What I also hear is that people want to flirt in general because it makes them feel attractive and desired … That’s a normal human feeling.”

Smiling young couple talks together on a sofa at home.

Flirting may activate brain chemicals involved in pleasure, reward and social bonding, experts said.(iStock)

DeSeta said she views flirting as a signal of attraction and believes it should remain between romantic partners or people pursuing a romantic relationship.

“It’s really hard to be platonic because it does release that bonding hormone,” she said.

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For those who feel the need to flirt with someone who is not their partner, the expert suggested this could be a “red flag” for what’s happening in the relationship.

“As a sexologist, I’m a huge believer that we must date and flirt with our partner every day,” DeSeta said.

Two business colleagues discuss work in a modern office.

Feeling the need to flirt with people outside your relationship may be a “red flag.”(iStock)

It’s normal for relationships to sometimes need a “reboot,” she said.

“In one marriage, you’re going to get many, many marriages… You’ll find people getting stale or very hollow in their relationship, and that’s when you will start looking outside to get those needs met, especially in flirting, because it’s something that’s very easy to do.”

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If flirting begins to extend beyond the relationship — from a coffee-shop barista to a colleague at the office — DeSeta advised stopping “immediately” and redirecting that energy toward the partner.

“Be vulnerable and go in with, ‘I miss this about us.I want to bring this back into our relationship,’” she said.“And don’t forget to share, ‘This is what would make me feel attractive and desired by you.’”

When flirting fades

Anna Elton, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical sexologist in Massachusetts, said couplesstruggling with intimacyoften miss the fun they shared at the beginning of their relationships.

“There’s a time and place for flirting, and you have to be in the right headspace.”
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As couples devote more attention to schedules, errands, bills and childcare, other aspects of the relationship can get pushed aside, Elton said.

Affection, physical touch, flirting and playfulness may become less frequent, making room for “stress, conflict and growing resentment.”

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Body changes,aging and stresscan also affect how confident or desirable people feel, Elton noted.

“When couples have been together for a long time, I ask them, ‘So, how do you flirt with your partner?How do you let them know about your erotic intentions?’ And they say, ‘Oh, we don’t flirt.’”

Creating a “new language of flirting” can help couples reconnect and spark intimacy, Elton said.

Senior couple dances and smiles while wearing aprons in a kitchen.

Creating a “new language of flirting” can help spice up the relationship and spark moments of intimacy, experts say.(iStock)

Bringing back the spark

Elton suggested small ways to rebuild connection, including a 20-second hug or a six-second kiss.

Small acts of self-care, such as applying lotion or followinga skincare routine, can also help people “feel more connected with themselves,” she said.

DeSeta cautioned, however, that flirting may not always be welcomed by a partner, depending on timing and mood.

Couple flirts on a city street in London during autumn.

Pay attention to body language indicating your partner will be accepting of flirtatious advances.(iStock)

“I’ve heard from my couples, ‘They were trying to flirt with me when I was unloading the dishwasher,’” she noted as an example.“There’s a time and place for flirting, and you have to be in the right headspace.”