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Sexual desirecan change over the course of a marriage, particularly with age and major life changes.And research suggests certain lifestyle and relationship factors may also contribute to a lower libido.
But changes in desire or frequency do not necessarily mean a couple’s sex life is unhealthy, according to experts.
Dr.Anna Elton, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical sexologist in Massachusetts, said there is “no medically prescribed number that defines a healthy sex life.”
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“What’s healthy is whether both partners feel connected, satisfied and respected in theirintimate relationship,�
“For some couples, that may mean several times a week, while for others it may be once or twice a month.The healthiest benchmark is mutual fulfillment.”
There is no set benchmark for how often married couples should have sex, as long as both partners feel fulfilled, an expert said.(iStock)
Rather than comparing their sex lives to those of others, Elton encouraged couples to define what ishealthyfor their own relationship.
“Talk about what feels satisfying, how much time can pass before one or both of you starts feeling disconnected and what your warning signs are,” she said.“Once you’ve agreed on that range, make a commitment to maintain it together.”
Elton advised couples not to let too much time pass without “intentionally reconnecting” because prolonged disconnection can take a toll on the relationship.
“If we simply wait until the mood is perfect or the stars align, work,childrenand everyday responsibilities usually get in the way,” she said.“Healthy relationships require intention.Both partners should share responsibility for initiating connection and creating the conditions where desire can develop.”
The expert advised couples not to let too much time pass without “intentionally reconnecting” because prolonged disconnection can take a toll on the relationship.(iStock)
For many couples, building careers,raising children, caring for aging parents, managing finances and juggling other responsibilities can demand more of their attention, and they may not realize that the relationship itself has become a low priority.
“As a result, couples begin living parallel lives,�“Conversations revolve around schedules, errands, bills and the kids.Intentional time together becomes less frequent.Affection, physical touch, flirting and playfulness become less frequent, replaced by stress, conflict and growing resentment.
“For many couples, those changes are among the earliest signs that the relationship is no longer being intentionally nurtured, and sexual intimacy declines soon afterward.”
Less affection, physical touch, flirting and playfulness is an early sign that the relationship could be in danger.(iStock)
Elton countered that many couples she’s worked with continued to have sex regularly to “keep the peace or avoid conflict.” While their sex life appeared healthy from the outside, the couples felt “emotionally disconnected and unfulfilled.”
“Physical intimacy and emotional closeness go hand in hand,” she said.“If we want to improve our sex lives, we have to focus on the connection itself.”
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“If one or both partners consistently feel rejected, lonely or resentful or avoid conversations about intimacy altogether, it’s time to seek help.”
If sex becomes painful orerectile difficultiesarise or if hormonal concerns, trauma, depression, anxiety or persistent differences in desire are creating distress, couples should address these issues with a professional as early as possible, the expert advised.
If sex becomes painful or erectile difficulties arise – or if hormonal concerns, trauma, depression, anxiety or persistent differences in desire are creating distress – couples should address these issues with a professional as early as possible, the expert advised.(iStock)
One of the most common concerns Elton sees in her practice is differences in sexual desire, which she confirmed is “completely normal.”
The key is to approach intimacy “as a team” because research has shown this leads to maintaining “stronger desire” over time.
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“Being responsive means staying curious about your partner’s experience,” she said.“Instead of pressuring or withdrawing, couples communicate openly, respect each other’s boundaries and work together to find anapproach to intimacythat feels satisfying for both people.”
Couples should also broaden their definition of intimacy, Elton suggested, as general affection, physical touch, flirting, emotional closeness and intentional time together can “help partners feel more connected and create the conditions where sexual desire naturally returns.”
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